Swimming in Sanity
Daylight needles my eyelids
against a hammering of birdsong.
Morning lays down a row of nails across my forehead,
still shiny from dreams.
No alarm is required
to break the moon of my sleep.
Serintatis splits quite effortlessly
with no holy man’s help.
The act of eating must come first,
then bathroom matters,
feet in a line like a blade,
that’s the order I must follow.
Purse. Car. Shop. Postbox.
High tide floods these shores
at the cast of each greeting,
my replies are the skin of a fish,
make, break eye contact,
fold my hands over all wounds,
tread water, tread water,
above all smile,
these things too must be ticked off the list.
I remember now.
This is how they said
it would be when
normality was achieved.
The Writers!
At Gardoussel retreat August 2008
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4 comments:
Sharon,
I will read this again and again but for now, I must tell you that the last verse made me moan in pain it was so intense and so...'poignant' is not an adequate word but it's all I can come up with at the moment.
Glen
Sharon,
Each time I read your poem, I become sadder. Much of it I don't understand, not as an ordering of words, that is. But despair overcomes me and that last doleful verse 'sandbags' me every time. What a brilliant, albeit desparately melancholic, poem.
Glen
This is my first comment on someone's poem on Gardoussel...
I love the opening, it is extremely powerful:
"Daylight needles my eyelids"
(a bit like C A Duffy's "till I suddenly bite awake") it has both the harsh dangerous image and unexpectedness.
There are many violent images “nails" "blade", even the birds are "hammering" and then there is your forehead that is still shiny from dreams – the contrast is pronounced. I love "break the moon of my sleep" - that is beautiful as is “my replies are the skin of a fish” but wondered if "my replies are the skins of fish" sounds better. I stumble over the "a" when I read it out loud. Just a thought - you can ignore me of course!
Had to look up Serintatis and wonder how many other people will, which slightly spoils the flow. But now I know what it means I see the extended metaphor and I like the sound of:
Serintatis splits quite effortlessly
Now I know that there is an astrological theme running through this I understand the link between the moon and tides (sometimes I can be awfully slow).
I agree with Glen, it is lyrical and melancholic (2 things I like!)
Hope this is of some help.
Abi
Thank-you, Glen and Abi, for your comments. And I totally agree with you, Abi - 'skins of fish' flows better as well as making more sense and I have now changed it on my own copy. Ta for that. I realise Serentatis isn't obvious and I must admit I had to get it from the dictionary myself (something rang a bell that the moon had 'seas' and I wanted to pinch one of them...!) but I just decided I didn't care, I liked it so much it had to go in. Besides, there was something about the word itself being slightly impenetrable and hard to fathon that I felt worked with the theme. (Or maybe that was just wishful thinking because I couldn't come up with anything better!) I do feel poetry should be as accessible as possible and specialist references (literary, academic, scientific etc) generally put me off, but... well... this one I just liked too much to hand back again.
I do appreciate critical feedback and really won't take offence if someone says 'I don't like blah-blah because...'. It always amuses me to see how gingerly people step when commenting on someone else's hard-grafted creation. I guess it depends on each person's sensitivity of course. But just to let any other of our fellow blog members who are reading this know for future reference - you can be as cutting in your criticism as you like as far as my own efforts are concerned: I WILL appreciate it!
Noiw this comment really HAS gone on too long now, hasn't it?
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